Maybe you are better off without me.. I hope not. But I think I make you miserable.. I’ll stand and fight for you. I am good at fighting. But.. if you’re fighting to stop me. I’m fighting myself.. and I just want you. Us. To bee happy. The happiest we can be. Whatever you decide. I love you
So..
I guess I’m feeling pretty worthless right now. I keep holding up my hopes and expectations. And they keep getting crushed. Something always happens. I wish I wasn’t such a bitch, or I’d do something about it all. But I can’t. Just a floor mat. I’m too tired and hurt for this. I just need help. I just want to be fine again.
Road washed out by flood, WA state.
This is so beautiful
Officially my new favorite picture in the whole world.
Something in common for those who share my childhood “memories”.
I don’t think the people in my life understand why I am the way I am. What happens to me when I become depressed, when I withdraw to my shell.
It’s not that I hate them, or that I am suddenly overwhelmed with sadness, or that the world is too much and I need my space. It’s that it’s nothing. I don’t care, and not on purpose, or like people who are angry don’t care. I just cannot care, Everything takes on a meaning of nothing. And I think it is hard for people to understand that sometimes.
I was raised in a horrible place, and I have mostly come to terms with this, through awesome friendships and my own reflections, among other things which I am sure helped without my notice. But I cannot remove the side-effects of this up bringing. When I feel myself getting angry, or sad, or overwhelmed, I simply shut it down. Without thinking, without a single thought. I turn it off, like I used to when I was little. Unfortunately, this also turns off everything else. I lose my other feelings, my personality, which I have slowly developed to a near-human level over the past 10 years, completely disappears, I talk less. And they assume I am angry, or hurt, or perhaps troubled.
In reality, I am nothing. I could do whatever you asked me to without an emotional response at all, I have no care. It is not even apathy, for that is usually linked with lethargy. I have energy, and I can be motivated, and I can function. Hell, I did function. I was constantly like this until i was 14, when I started actually verbalizing my opinions without fear, and displaying my emotions without the split-second hesitations that stole the meaning from it. And it takes all of my consciousness to fight out of it, once I am there. It is not an easy task. Like trying to find something you lost, without knowing what it is, or where you had it last. It can take hours, days. Sometimes I can bury whatever made me go into the shell, and I can’t talk about it until I have worked through it in my head. And these are the things I can never explain fully to another human being who has not been there.
I am not a whole person, but I am working up to it. I know I am going to make it there, and one day, even this shell of nothing which I find myself so often stuck in, will be no more. And the people who this shell affects most, are the very people I NEED to be around to see it. These people make it easier to fight shutting down, they allow and accept everything I express to them. That alone drives back the encompassing nothing-ness.
If you understand, and read, this message. Then I would like to say; I am sorry. I know it seems like just words, and sorry can’t fix anything. But I am, genuinely. Just know that you aren’t alone. I am fixing my life, slowly, and hopefully you are too. Nothing is hopeless… But everything else is full of hope.
Those moments. Those entire nights. You have her all to yourself. She just lies there watching the movie infront of you. Her arms tucked up infront of her. Her hands nestled beneath her head. You watch how her body moves as she breaths. Your eyes roaming all over her skin. Then you touch her, just resting you upon her hip softly. She jumps a little, turns and smiles at you then returns to the film. You feel warm, a blissful feeling as your fingers trip their way over her skin. She purrs and scrunches her shoulders in quiet contentment sensing the movements without watching. Shuffling backward against you, safe, happy, yours!
